What I Deserve
by Yami Kaosu
Summary: "I know that I've hurt a lot of people. And most of them, I really couldn't care less about. But there is one person that I know I have hurt, more times than he ever deserved." Chapter 2 is another view. Chapter 3 is afterthoughts.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: To the best of my knowledge, I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!  
  
A/N: Yami's been deeply in the mood for angst lately [as was somewhat apparent from "Nothing Left"] and so I decided to write another suicide fic! I know, I know, I should be working on Lighthouse, but I just had to write this! I think you'll figure out who it is pretty early on...so, here it is! ~Yami  
  
---  
  
I clench my jaw as pain washes over me. Of course, I've dealt with plenty of pain before, so that decreases the overall shock of the anguish that my body is going through.  
  
Blood flows from dozens of cuts all over my body. I can't help but smirk at my work. I admit, I never thought that I would use my rather sadistic knowledge of inflicting pain on myself. But I can't say that I don't deserve the agony I'm putting myself through.  
  
I know that I've hurt a lot of people. And most of them, I really couldn't care less about. But there is one person that I know I have hurt, more times than he ever deserved.  
  
How he could stand it is still a mystery to me. His nature is one of a person that never should have gone through any of what I did to him. He was the subject of so much abuse, and yet, he always forgave me afterward.  
  
Forgiveness, or rather, his forgiving me, is a concept that I just could not grasp. Perhaps that is part of the reason that I hurt him so. Maybe I wanted him to see that he couldn't always forgive everyone, that some people never change. But he always forgave anyway. And in the end, it did change me. I know it did, because never before had I ever cared about anyone the way I care about him.  
  
I have never had anyone that cared about me the way he did. I pushed everyone away, and yet these same actions only seemed to draw him closer. It was almost as if he understood the basis of my actions.  
  
If anyone did understand me, it would be him. Even though we are complete opposites of each other, he still knows me better than anyone else. For it is he who sees the glimpses of my past that occasionally haunt me in the midst of the night, and it is he whose sympathy I can feel.  
  
It's hard for me to believe that someone would actually care about me. Perhaps he knows this as well, from what he has seen of my past. He can see where I have gained my mistrust from, why I will never let anyone get near enough to me to actually care.  
  
I may be reading too far into his actions, but if I didn't know better, I would say that he cares deeply for me, more than others. Perhaps not, maybe it is only his personality that I draw this conclusion from. After all, he does seem to care about everyone. Am I really just another person that he feels obligated to care about?  
  
This thought only seems to justify my current state. I don't deserve to have anyone, let alone someone like him, care about me. Everything that I am feeling now, the gush of blood, the lingering pain from my blade cutting through my skin, the pain embedded deep within my body as blood flows into the darkness...that is what I deserve.  
  
Speaking of which...I glance downward. Blood leaks through my clothes, which are torn from when I first made the wounds. Taking a closer look at my clothing, I notice that it is almost impossible to determine its original color; everything is pure red.  
  
I allow my mind to wander back to the time when I had decided to do this. Only a few days before, I had begun planning my own demise. That day holds a place in my mind, because of my own cruel actions...to him...  
  
I was in a particularly bad mood that day. And, as always, he became the one that I vented my anger on. I hurt him, hitting him as hard as I possibly could. He simply allowed me to do what I willed, never trying to get away or stop me. And when he finally fell unconscious from the pain, I pulled back.  
  
When I first stood back and looked at his unconscious body, I noticed the bruises that were already beginning to form all over him, and the blood that flowed from a few spots. As I took the scene before me in, my eyes widened. How could I have done this to him?  
  
He was so sweet and innocent, even as he lay there, oblivious to his surroundings. I felt an odd sensation as I realized that I felt guilty for my actions. And before I knew it, tears were falling from my eyes.  
  
Fortunately, I was able to recompose myself rather quickly. I lifted his limp form in my arms, and set him on the couch. Sitting on the edge next to him, I let my hands touch his face, gently running my fingers along the side.  
  
Surprisingly enough, I stayed by his side until he woke up. But what he said then was what drove me over the edge: he told me that he forgave me. He forgave me. Again.  
  
At that moment, I knew that I had to end it. I couldn't put him through any more pain. He had forgiven the unforgivable, so many times over. Shaking my head, pulling myself from the memory, I wonder how he could possibly...  
  
My thoughts are cut short as I notice that my breathing has become more shallow. From all my experience in this field, I know that my time is short. And even in the last few moments of my life, my every thought turns to him.  
  
Shifting my position on the floor slightly, I stare up to the ceiling. I have been laying here ever since the final cut had been made, running deep across my chest. Silently I make one final wish: that my death will bring about his happiness.  
  
I chose this day for a reason: I knew that he wouldn't be here. I didn't want him to see this, I didn't want him to know. I have never made my feelings known to him, and didn't see any reason to start now.  
  
Drifting closer and closer to my fate, I begin to relax. The pain is subsiding, replacing itself slowly with the iciness of death. But before I can fully welcome the event, I hear the soft sound of footsteps, racing towards me. Turning my head slightly towards the door, my eyes widen as he pushes the door open, panting heavily. But wait, he's supposed to be...how could have possibly known to come now?  
  
He approaches me, and I can see the fear in his wide eyes. He shakes his head, unable to believe what he is seeing. Kneeling at my side, he looks at my blood-covered clothes. Trembling slightly, he shakes his head again, almost as if he were trying to convince himself that this isn't really happening.  
  
Summoning the last of my strength, I ask him one final question: I ask him how he could possibly forgive me for all of the terrible things that I had done to him. His eyes close slightly as they brim with unshed tears, and he lays a hand in mine.  
  
"I love you..." he whispers, as my eyes fall closed. Drawing in a final breath, I contemplate what he just said. He loves me. And I love him. I love him enough to end his sufferings once and for all.  
  
Ryou sobbed as the hand fell limp in his, and all of his tears fell on the body of the one he had cared about most: his Yami.  
  
---  
Yami Bakura: Why are you torturing me? I thought you were writing angst for the Pharaoh. And this seemed to be a lot like that other one...  
Yami Kaosu: That may be, but I had to do you too! Everyone needs more sympathy for you! Besides, this is what you get for taking over my muse's job!  
Yami Yugi: Anyone get the feeling that there are too many Yamis here?  
Chaos: Hai, way too many!  
Yami Kaosu: Well, either way, R & R, onegai!  
Yami Bakura: Don't listen to her. Turn around and don't review. Then she'll take this stupid story off.  
Chaos: You know very well that she wouldn't do that.  
Yami Bakura: One can hope, can't they?  
Yami Kaosu: There is no hope. Don't pay any attention to him, he's just not used to being the object of sympathy.  
Yami Bakura: *glares*  
Yami Yugi: Review, just so he'll get even angrier at her...then her stories won't focus on me committing suicide...again...  
Chaos: Oy...  
Yami Kaosu: Hey, you do feel bad about what you did to Ryou, don't you?  
Yami Bakura: *looks away* Of course not...  
Chaos: That was a definite "yes."  
Yami Bakura: *glares*  
Yami Kaosu: I KNEW it! You enjoyed this, didn't you?  
*Yami Bakura stalks away*  
Yami Kaosu: HEY! Come back! You liked it, admit it! *runs after Yami Bakura*  
Chaos: Well, minna, thus ends the...extremely long author's notes! And like "Nothing Left," this may be continued somewhere if people want it too! 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! All I own is my extreme obsessiveness of Yami Bakura. And some taped episodes that I can stare mindlessly at every time I see him.  
  
A/N: This would be me finally getting around to adding more onto the story. Here is part of the promised addition to "What I Deserve." This part is more following what Ryou was thinking during all of this. No POV, just regular storyline. More notes after the story. ~Yami  
  
Quick note on the telepathical link thing:  
/.../ - Ryou  
//...// - Yami Bakura  
  
---  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//I hope you'll be happy without me...//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou's head snapped up. He was sitting beneath a tree in the park, and had been daydreaming slightly. Taking in a shaky breath, he glanced around. Yugi and Jounouchi were dueling, and there didn't seem to be another person in sight. Looking down at his Millennium Ring, Ryou remembered that his Yami had decided to stay at home while he was out. He had been planning to come to the park with Yugi and Jounouchi since early in the week, and had been fairly surprised when his Yami had displayed an interest in staying home by himself. However, he hadn't thought much of it, and had decided it best to let his Yami have his way.  
  
"That voice sounded a lot like Yami..." Ryou thought, beginning to worry slightly. Although he knew it was highly unlikely that his Yami would ever say anything like that, it still bothered him. Something didn't seem right. He tried to contact him through their link. /Yami?/ No answer. Yami had blocked their link.  
  
He couldn't feel his darker half as strongly as he usually did. Even when Yami Bakura chose to completely block himself off from Ryou, he could still sense a signal from him, aware that he was there. But that signal seemed unusually weak. Much too weak for Ryou's liking.  
  
Standing up, he started to walk out of the park. But before he could get far, he heard Jounouchi run up behind him.  
  
"Hey, Ryou, are you okay?" Jounouchi asked, noticing the slightly worried features that Ryou wore. Ryou didn't reply, and jumped a little when he felt Jounouchi's hand on his shoulder, stopping him. Jounouchi walked in front of him. "You okay?" he repeated.  
  
Ryou seemed to be looking through him for a moment, then suddenly seemed to refocus. "Of course, I just wanted leave a bit early. It's nothing much, I'd just like to get home. I do have some things I need to do," he said, hoping that Jounouchi would let him go without further questioning.  
  
Jounouchi's eyes narrowed, if but slightly. "All right, if you say so," he said, sighing. Releasing Ryou's shoulder, he started to walk back to where Yugi was still sitting. "See you later, Ryou," he said.  
  
Ryou breathed a quick sigh of relief, and continued his journey home. Once he felt he was out of sight of Yugi and Jounouchi, he sped up, racing for his house. "Something's not right..." he said to himself. But he was suddenly stopped by a dim yet sharp pain in his chest. His ring glittered faintly in the sunlight as he paused on the sidewalk, clutching his chest.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//How could you have possibly forgiven me? After everything I've done?//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou searched the area around where he stood. He was sure that he had heard his Yami's voice again, and yet he was nowhere in sight. "Could he still be at home?" he wondered. Ignoring the pain, he began running again, finally spotting his house in the distance. But before he could get there, he heard another voice yell his name. He wanted to ignore it; he knew it wasn't his Yami. However, his politeness got the better of him, and he stopped and turned to find out who it was.  
  
Honda waved to him from across the street. Ryou smiled weakly and waved back. Honda crossed the street, and walked up to him. "What are you doing, Ryou? I thought you had gone to the park. I was on my way there."  
  
Ryou couldn't talk for a moment; he was out of breath from his running. Finally managing to speak, he replied, "I left a little early. I have some things that I need to take care of at home. I'm sorry I missed you at the park, but the others were still there, if you wanted to go meet them."  
  
Honda nodded. "You sure you don't want to come back, too?" he asked. Ryou shook his head, and Honda nodded again. "Okay then, I'll catch you later, Ryou," he said, as he headed off to the park.  
  
"Finally," Ryou muttered. Why was it that everyone was choosing today, at this time to care so much? He needed to find his Yami. Of course, they wouldn't understand that. None of them, except perhaps Yugi, could ever imagine how much Ryou needed his Yami. And maybe even Yugi couldn't fully see.  
  
All of them saw Yami Bakura in a much different light than Ryou saw him. All the others saw was a tomb robber, a thief, no more. He had written his fate, and there were no changes to be made to it. But Ryou could see so much more than that. He knew about Yami Bakura's terrible past, why he had to keep his icy facade up. His past was one that Ryou could never have imagined anyone having to live through.  
  
His house was finally within close distance. Almost there, he tried to reach a full speed to arrive there faster. "If anyone else tries to stop me, they will just have to wait until I finish this. It's so much more important than anything else..." he whispered, making a vow to himself.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//You never knew...how I really felt...//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou scrambled through his pockets for the key to his house. In his nervousness and worry, he dropped the key. Picking it back up again, he noticed his hand was shaking badly. "This is bad..." he thought, as he tried to steady his hand and allow himself entry into his house.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//Why did you have to be so innocent, so forgiving?//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Still working on getting the key in the door, Ryou finally managed to push it into the lock. He quickly turned it, first the wrong way, then the right way, then accidentally locked it again. His worry only grew worse as the seconds ticked past. Finally, he succeeded in unlocking the door, and keeping in unlocked long enough to open the door.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//You changed me...after all the times I tried to prove to you that some people never change, you managed to do what I had thought impossible.//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
He ran into the house, and tried to find where his Yami would be. Searching through the downstairs rooms first, he found no sign of him. "He must be upstairs," Ryou thought, turning to the staircase. His footsteps thundered up them as he ran to the second floor.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//You unlocked emotions that had been buried deep within me for centuries.//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou ran to his room, seeing the closed door, knowing in his heart that this was where his Yami was.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//You're the first person that I truly cared about.//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
He turned the handle, and started the push the door open...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//I...I love you.//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou pulled back slightly as he heard those words. But fear got the better of shock, and he pushed the door open all the way.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
//I love you enough to end all the pain I've caused you...once and for all.//  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ryou gasped as the sight of his Yami greeted his eyes. Yami's clothes were red, colored by his blood, much of which lay around him. As he approached the unmoving figure, he shook his head slightly. "This can't be...this can't be happening!" his mind screamed, unable to believe what he saw.  
  
Walking over to the bloody body, Ryou kneeled at his side, taking in the sight. Shaking his head again, he tried to erase what he was seeing. He wanted all of it to leave, he only wanted to see his Yami, not surrounded by blood, but seeing him just as he had always been. Suddenly, a voice greeted his ears. A soft, dying voice; that of his Yami.  
  
"Ryou...please...tell me...how...how could you have ever forgiven me...for everything...that I did to you?"  
  
Ryou closed his eyes for a moment, trying to gather himself together enough to respond. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, and a few managed to do so. He laid his hand softly in his Yami's, before replying, "I love you..."  
  
Nothing else could be said, for after Ryou's admission, he felt Yami's hand go limp in his own. Unable to hold back the tears that had sprang to his eyes, he allowed them to fall on the dead body. His sobs echoed through the room, as he realized...he was alone.  
  
---  
Sidenote: I have absolutely NO clue what Ryou's house looks like. I don't know if it has two stories or not. But for this story's purposes, it does.  
  
Okay then! That was Ryou's story of what was going on during Yami Bakura's little suicide episode. Now, next should come an actual epilogue! Namely, I plan on doing some of Ryou's thoughts, what he feels now that he has lost the one he cares about most...all of that. BTW, reviews of this part would be appreciated, seeing as how they are my driving force to keep writing! ~Yami 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer:   
Yami Kaosu: Chaos, I need an inventive and entertaining way to state the disclaimer.   
Chaos: And so you came to me...why?   
Yami Kaosu: Because I don't have any ideas right now...   
Chaos: Hmm...well, you could have a chibi Yami Bakura angel do it?   
Yami Kaosu: Yeah!   
Chibi Yami Bakura Angel: *in a kawaii chibi voice* They don't own Yu-Gi-Oh!   
Yami Kaosu: But we now own a chibi Yami Bakura tenshi! *glomps the chibi Yami Bakura angel*

A/N: *looks at disclaimer* Um...right. We have a chibi Yami Bakura angel now! ^_^ Anyway, this would be the epilogue of Yami Bakura's suicide. It's dark and angsty. Ryou's POV, basically his thoughts on losing his Yami. It's sad! *makes clones of the chibi Yami Bakura angel and gives one to Ryou* Um...anyway, so here's the epilogue! ~Yami

---

_How could he have done this to me?_

I can't...no, I won't bring myself to believe that he is truly gone...

And yet...his pulse is gone...his breathing has stopped...his blood lies in deep red pools around me...

******

My eyes jump open as I suddenly bolt up. I look frantically around, and my eyes slowly adjust to the darkness of my room. Putting a hand to my chest, I can feel my rapidly beating heart, and hear my own heavy breathing.

Calming slightly, I lay back down in my bed. It seems that I am destined for another night of haunting nightmares. I can't stop my eyes from welling up with tears as I think of that day...

"He would have criticized me for crying..." I whisper softly. He would have told me that I was being weak. But how can I possibly help it? He's gone now...and there is nothing that I can do to bring him back.

I look to the nightstand beside my bed. My Millennium Ring glitters faintly in the moon's dim light. Taking it off of the stand, I hug it to my chest. It's the only link that I have left to him, besides my own memories. No pictures, nothing, only the item which had housed his spirit for thousands of years.

I squeeze my eyes shut, and can feel the tears sliding down my face, and onto the ring. Even now, I still have trouble believing that he is truly gone. No one else knows about it, save myself.

My father has noticed the recent change in me, and has asked what was wrong, but I couldn't tell him. He wouldn't understand. I don't think he ever knew about the spirit of the tomb robber that had shared my mind and body for all of these years. There was really no point in him learning of it now.

And then there are the others. I know for a fact that they wouldn't have understood. I don't think any of them liked him. And he hated all of them. Maybe the only one who could have possibly understood my anguish was Yugi, but I doubt it.

Yugi can imagine what it would be like to have your other ripped away from you, but exactly what I am going through now is hard to contemplate. And it is something that I would never wish anyone to go through.

If I were to tell him to imagine what it would be like to have Yami torn away from him, I'm sure he would get some idea of where I was coming from now. But, more than likely, both he and Yami would think that I am happy to finally be rid of my spirit.

And they would have no idea how wrong they are.

There have been times when I have wondered what life would be like if he wasn't around. Years ago, I would have imagined a much happier life without him. But then I finally realized how wrong I was. Life without him isn't anywhere close to the heaven that I had thought it would be.

It's more of a living hell.

I constantly forget that he's not here anymore. I try to talk to him, before realizing that I will never get a response.

I have to wonder if all of this is going to drive me insane. My mind just cannot seem to register the fact that he is gone. He is gone forever.

But forever is just too long for me to wait...

******

School is sheer torture to get through these days. I never noticed how much of a blessing it was to have someone to talk at any given point during the day. Now, I find myself paying even less attention than I had before, and my grades are beginning to slip because of it.

My teachers, my friends, my father; no one has any idea that I have lost someone so dear to me. Not that it would matter to them. More and more, I have been thinking that no one actually does care.

They've all noticed that something is wrong with me. However, no one's made any extreme steps to find out what. All I have to tell them is that it's nothing, and they seem to accept the answer with relative ease.

I have a guess as to why that is. It's not that they don't care. They probably think that it has something to do with him. And no one among them, save perhaps Yugi's Yami, is willing to deal with him.

If only that were true...it would at least mean that he was still here with me...

But it isn't true...

I'm alone...

I can't help but sigh as that thought repeats itself endlessly throughout the realms of my mind. Slowly, my present state fades, as I lose myself in a memory...the memory of my last moments with him...

******

_Blood. There was so much blood._

Following the dark rivers of the liquid, my eyes met the sight of his body, paled with such loss, filled only with the presence of death.

It can't be true...

He...he can't be...dying...

"Ryou...please...tell me...how...how could you have ever forgiven me...for everything...that I did to you?"

What? He's...he's still alive...he wants to know how I could...

"I love you..."

That's it. That is the truth. I love him with all of who I am.

He is my other, my darkness.

I am his light...

The two of us are forever intertwined in soul and spirit, mind and body. I am his other half, just as he is mine.

We belong together... 

But...wait...his hand...it's gone limp...no, he can't be...

He can't be gone!

It's not true! He and I are meant to be one! We are meant to make a whole...forever...

How...how could he possibly leave me now?

******

He really thought that I would be happier without him. That's why he left me behind. All he wanted in his final moments of life was for me to be happy.

If only he had known...

All I truly needed to be happy...

...was him.

---   
Yami Kaosu: *sobs* Who here is deeply saddened and depressed now?   
Chaos: *raises her hand*   
Ryou: *huggles his chibi Yami Bakura angel*   
Yami Bakura: *growls*   
Yami Kaosu: *nudges Yami Bakura* C'mon, you know it made sad to see Ryou so depressed about your death!   
Chaos: Maybe it made him happy. You know, happy to know that Ryou cares about him so much?   
Yami Bakura: *leaves*   
Yami Kaosu: *grins* He knows he loves it.   
Chaos: Thus is the story. A very sad and not very final note, I know. Hmm...this could actually lead to more suicide...   
Ryou: *blinks*   
Yami Kaosu: It more or less depends on what the readers want. I think this'll be the end, though. No point in torturing Ryou even more.   
Chaos: Perhaps. We shall see. Anyway, R & R, minna! And here's a thanks to all readers and reviewers! *gives everyone a chibi Yami Bakura angel* ^_^


End file.
